Miscellanies: It all seems absurd, that is the idea of eternity

It all seems absurd, that is the idea of eternity. That when I awake on that eternal day, it shall never end. It will continue and continue. But surely after the honeymoon is over, and the lamb has had his wedding, will he not perhaps get unintrested in us? And like he did after creating the angels, he created us, and after us, perhaps he will create another and they shall have all of his affection and we shall be ministering spirit to them.

But this is all my scepticism, my anger and bitterness at the cruelty of life, at the dullness of existence and being. But my faith, my mustard seed of faith tells me that Christ, the Holy Spirit, and Heavenly Father shall count us a joy and us them forever. 

K.Oni

 

I live knowing that I have nothing to offer humanity

I live knowing that I have nothing to offer humanity. What a shame. What a bad place to be.

Please do not tell me your troubles, becasue I have no advice to give. Even if I did, I will keep silent for all is a chasing after the wind.

Engage me in a familiar discourse and I will act ignorant. I will look you in the eyes and in deep grief shrug my shoulders.

I have ceased crying, hoping and praying. I consider everything I do to be worthless. Indeed they have no worth in themselves. Not that the activies do not have any worth, they do, but when I do them, they have no worth.

But do not pity me because I do not want your pity. Let me die, and when I am buried, that is by nature, let no one attend my funeral except for the angels that are sent to carry me home. And as they carry me upwards, I shall ask them many a question and thank them for taking me to a place where there is eternal light.

K.Oni

I knew a sad boy: whose heart ached from a severe lack of compliments and affirmation

I knew a sad boy whose heart ached from a severe lack of compliments and affirmation. When he overlooked his life, that his to trace all of his memories, he could never remember a time when anybody said anything good about him. He did many a good things but no one acknowledged him, and deep into the night, when the stars themselves begin to shut their eyes, the poor sad boy would cry, saying: 'O for someone to say that I mean the world to them, or that I am lovely.'

But no one ever paid him such words, and worst of all, he could never buy it.

K.Oni

Miscellanies: Its not as if I have it all together

Its not as if I have it all together. As if I have all the pieces of my life in place as I would have them. Instead, they are scattered all over the place, some here and some there. Thus do not find it strange if you do not find a joyful constancy within me. If today I am full of sunshine, and tomorrow I am full of darkness, do not consider it a strange thing. Indeed there is nothing good about too bright a sunlight if it blocks one's eyes from seeing the path ahead. We can say that it is truly the same as the darkness because if I should continue to walk ahead, I will fall take the wrong direction or hit something. It is no better than the blind leading the blind; I will fall into a ditch.

K.Oni

No bounded edge to her personality

There was no bounded edge to her personality, but I am bounded, and her unboundedness intrigues me, fascinates me. I know the world through my feelings, my feelings of guilt, of boundaries, and the fear of going beyond my borders; but she has no such sensation. She is free. A freedom I cannot live, nor accept. I have a best sense of myself, the kind that is typical of all good men, but she, I dare say, like freedom itself considers whatever state she is in to be the best sense of herself.

Her movement dances to a mixture of music and even to silence itself. I can only move to a Bethoven, and my ears only have time for well written music, the kind which echoes from the mouth of a piano, or stringed from the violin. But she could take my archaic tune and make it graceful, elegant as well as dysfunctional, having no pace or rhythm about it, and make both contrary themes lovely.

She speaks without an agenda, move with and without a direction. How a creature so unlike me could live and I be so fond, escapes me. I know only that when I look upon her, seeing day and night with its sun and stars, dwell happilly in her eyes, impells my curiosity and heart to love her more. Oh if I should fall off my precipice and land in her space, I cannot live again in my world, for she has won me, my heart and soul, that if she leaves me in her world with her all gone, then I will go mad, because only staying by her, with her, can I make sense of her universe.

And it was, that I did enter her boundaries, and she did lead me in and that for a while. After playing with me, and I so embedded in her, she did go away, leaving me without a kiss of goodbye, and without directions to find my way back to the edges of my own simplicity. Her world was too vast, too free for me, that without her, madness overtook me; and the absent fires of her love, burnt me to such a high degree that I no longer recognize myself, only a strong desire of an unreachable satisfaction which continually aches my heart remains.

K.Oni