Miscellanies 91: For a month my soul has been troubled
For a month my soul has been troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this ache'? But from this ache I have learnt so much. So much that will only tend to my future good. So much that will only benefit all my relationships and the future ones to come. This ache was a neccesity. It was his megaphone to awake me from my slumber. It was his medicine for me to get well again. But I am still in bandages. I am still healing; still recovering from my nausea. Sometimes deep into the night I hold my heart because it is extreemely painful, it hurts deeply. I ask the Lord to take this feeling away from me, but he tells me that his grace is sufficient for me; or at least I know that that is what he is saying. I tell him that I feel alone. He replies that he alone is sufficient. I remind him that it is not good for man to be alone. He tells me to wait. I tell him that I cannot see a future for me. He tells me to trust him. That even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death that I should fear no evil. I tell him that I am in that valley right now. He tells me that I am overexagerating. I tell him that I am weak, that I can break at any point now. He asks me a question. Have you ever lost your faith in your weakness. I tell him never entirely. There is always a flickering flame no matter how weak. He tells me that he will never blow it out. Soon enough he tells me that he will add more coal to my fire. I tell him that I need to burn again. I have been luke-warm for too long, I need to burn and blaze. He tells me that there is a season for everything. I tell him that this is one of my darkest seasons. I feel so alone but not empty. I feel weak to temptations and I cannot get rid of my old sins. He tells me there is grace and mercy enough for me. He tells me to fight and overcome. I tell him that I fear that I may never overcome. He tells me that it will not be in my strength but in his. I tell him that I believe.