Here I see my lack of faith, namely not that I believe that God does not exist, but that he does not reward those who seek him. So I have put my hands up at private prayer, on study of him, on giving to him, on love, the kind that treasures God above all things. And thus I have recieved the reward in myself, namely a heart full of darkness, devoid of the inward sunshine. O for help and grace! For pity from heaven, that on me the eyes of mercy may once again look upon; and by supernatural power, the kind that raised Christ from the dead cause me to believe again; even more to experience.