I feel in me a hellish despair in which I brought about by due negligence in which I rejected the clear instructions of my conscience and now feel the due penalty of my dear perversion. The bondage of the will is scarcely free if free at all for those righteous things in which I desire to do, I can do not; but those principles of perdition I find to reign in me and that very freely. I yearn to flee this bondage but where can I flee from my own skin? For if I should escape to the monastery it is there with me, if to the far east where materialistic sensuality is of a lesser degree, lo, there it is, clinging to me never wanting to let go. So night and day my eyes drip relentlessly like the rain for I dread those awful scriptures that speak of hypocrites like me whose end is the river of hellfire where the devil himself screech and what is to be my shout? In anguish I pace my self up and down trying to find precious scriptures that relieves the conscience of a tortured soul and therein my eyes found the sweet comfort of Romans 8 after the despairing reading of the chapter before. For the apostle begins with the contented words, ‘Therefore there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life as set me free from the law of sin and death’. And there I saw my victory, that no longer a slave to my passion I should remain but for I be found in Christ Jesus. And there my feet gladly fled for my skin could not have victory there and with great excitement I went on my knees and repented before my Sovereign Saviour and read aloud Romans 13:11, ‘So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armour of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies or drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissention and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature’.