The Testimony of C. S. Lewis
Perhaps God may encourage you to trust him by hearing the testimony of how it happened to C. S. Lewis, the writer of the Narnia chronicles and an Oxford Scholar.
Really, a young Atheist cannot guard his faith too carefully. Dangers lie in wait for him on every side. . . . For the first time I examined myself with a seriously practical purpose. And there I found what appalled me; a zoo of lusts, a bedlam of ambitions, a nursery of fears, a harem of fondled hatreds. My name was legion. . . . How could the initiative lie on my side . . . If Shakespeare and Hamlet could ever meet, it must be Shakespeare’s doing. Hamlet could initiate nothing. . . . In the Trinity term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England. . . . The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? (Surprised by Joy [New York: Harcourt, Brace and World], pp. 226-229)
I pray God will bring you home and in whatever way He does it, I am sure your heart will love him and there will be thanksgiving to God and to his Christ.