The joy of confession: I have lost Jesus
Sinner: Dear Sir, O I have lost Jesus; but where have I lost him? I do not know for if I did know, I should have gone back to find him. It is like loosing one's keys. If one knew where they had lost it, they would soon go to the same place to find it there. But I have lost him I tell you, and I feel awful about it.
I fear I lost him because of my sins. O I know so.
No longer is he warm or light towards me but a dread. O I fear his disapproving eye. I have been a horrible boy. I know not where he is for if I did, I would have found him. He is a flaming fire before me, an angry God above me, kindled to unleash upon me at any moment like the full clouds my punishment upon me.
O that once sweet saviour that came tenderly to me in my early hours now hides his comely face. Where art thou crieth my soul, where is my shepherd? He is no where to be found for I have lost him.
Sir: O poor boy, you ought to know that sin is such a business that whoever pursues it is sure to go bankrupt. It is at first pleasant but the end of it is gall. Where we see Christ to lift up his wounded, sin cast them down. And because you have been deep in the well of sin, your soul now feels Christ to be far off. The scripture rings true in your case, namely what harmony or fellowship has Christ with Belial? Has there been any peace in your experience dear boy? Nay and never has there been peace in mine. O boy, you have indeed prostituted yourself to your lusts and wants, never denying yourself a day from the forbidden fruit. I do wonder what kind of heart you have.
Sinner: O it is the worst sir! My soul tells me it is the worst there ever was. For how in a minute I could be doing that which is good and holy and the next I am found employed for the devil's work. O it is insanity and utterly depraved. I know my condition to be filthy and ugly and yet I desire beauty, that which is offered to me daily and yet I choose the muck.
Sir: Indeed my boy, some do sin out of ignorance but many sin out of choice. The clear ocean is laid before you, heaven's treasure is spread above you and yet you do embrace the earth beneath you. I must say also that I am sure that there are many secrets sin about you. You are not the first I have encountered of this sought. Many of your kind have come my way. Also my boy, how often do you remember God's mercies?
Sinner: O, I remember them as the flowers. When they are fresh, I enjoy them inhaling their smell as if they were the loveliest thing I have ever smelt, but as soon as the day passes, I forget about them, neglecting them and it soon withers away in sorriness.
Sir: Just as I thought. Not many retain the mercy of yesterday to carry them into the delight of tomorrow. Because they have forgotten the good works of God, they have also forgotten his kindness. Hence why you can say to me that you have lost Jesus and he is now to you a dread. You must have forgotten the words that he will never forsake you nor leave you. And if this is true, how could one loose Jesus? We could loose him but he can never loose us. Therefore, what you feel as loosing Jesus is only subjective and not objective. For although you have not a sweet disposition about you, yet he is there, and he is by you right now in as much as you believe his promises.
Sinner: But my sins have brought me very low.
Sir: Indeed it has. It is the end of sin to humiliate a man by making him a demon far removed from that original image that he was bestowed. Sin degrades a man, and lays upon him the burden of his guilt. For Adam it was death, spiritual death as well as physical death. And your sins indeed has brought you to this miserable state. Yes you are full of sadness and depressed in spirit. There is no sunshine about you. Your happiness is out of tune. Pianos are said to go primarily out of tune because of changes in humidity, and your happiness is out of tune because of your sins. Your mind is thus troubled, unfit for praise nor prayer. It is the joy of the devil to see a depressed Christian and especially so when the reason is because of sin. But fear not, for in as much as sin brings a man very low, yea so low, as for God to count it worthy and a loving just thing to cast him into hell forever, yet Christ's righteousness brings a man very high. It is so high that God counts it a delight that such persons found with his Son's righteousness are to be with him in his sanctuary forever.
Forsake your ways and come to your senses. I pray for you, for only grace can prevail with the likes of you.