The preachers sermon availed the whole congregation except I and upon reflection I thought that I must be the most ungodly soul that ever lived. This feeling impressed upon me for the whole week and Mama noticed my disposition. She would daily ask me of what ails my soul but I would tell her not of my true feelings and tell her a lie which deepened my guilt. I felt that all of my progress of striving heavenwards have suddenly been altered; for I thought that how can God be pleased with me when I am not so warm to his words. I feel it more of a strain to read it than a pleasure; prayer is more of a duty than it is a joy.
The preacher in His sermon spoke of a Loving shepherd who happily guides his sheep. He spoke of the Shepherds nature of how tender sweet and happy he is. He tells a story of the shepherds painful adventure to rescue one of his sheep and in doing so encountered many great obstacles of which he defeated great beasts but not without scratches wounds and hurt. The shepherd although sweet was also of a firm nature; he rightly disciplines his sheep and should any one of them stray from the flock, with his rod he would guide the wondering sheep back to the fold. Often, the shepherd would guide his sheep through lofty terrains but the end of their tour would always end by the green pasture for this was their dwelling place. A high gate secured the entering of any thieves and should any thieves enter the fold, the sheep are well learned in distinguishing their masters voice. The shepherd is known to have not lost a single sheep and should any go unaccounted for he would spend night and day in finding them. Such was his care and love for his sheep that although many felt it strange that he should possess such a love for low creatures yet it was his delight and pleasure to love and care for his sheep with all of his might.
The preacher of course spoke about Christ and his people and many hearts were melted because of Christ's love for them but I felt miserable for I knew that I wasn’t one of his own. I had a different master, a different shepherd for I could not belong to Christ because he never acted with me as the preacher described. I felt lonely among the congregation and I too wished I had such a great affection for Christ but non existed within me. I am an earthly child and must not be of the same flesh as Mama for she his heavenly.
Today, my condition is still as I felt and Amelia has been no encouragement to me at all. She remains joyous and happy and reminds me very much of my mother. She constantly told me of her great affections for Christ after the sermon on Sunday and how warm her whole disposition is towards Christ. She would say often that after that sermon, my relationship with Christ is upon a whole higher mountain and each day surpasses the last and I feel heavenwards and wish to see him bodily and should I die today then it would be for all my joys fulfilled. But I often remained silent and smiled because for me I had no such affections and I wanted it but knew not how.