But what have I gained by going again to my old sins to drink of their waters? Nothing at all! In fact I gained sorrow and misery, depression, aches and shame. Only if I had continued in the direction the Lord was leading me, I never should have put my soul through such a sad miserable experience.
And now, I know that it is evil and bitter for me to forsake the Lord. And why did I forsake the Lord? It is perhaps because the fear of the Lord is not in me. How is it that God who planted me as a choice flower in his kingdom, wholly of pure seed, that I have now turned degenerate and become a wild thorn? How is it?
I think it is because I have forsaken his commandments. Because under every green tree, or one could say that under every other area of my life, I bowed down to the world like a whore.
I dare not consider my ways in secret, nor my ways when there was no discerning Christian. O to consider such things would only reveal my vile lusts. I had loved foreigners and principles that were alien to the Kingdom of Christ, yea I had loved their products and thus gone after them. But now, as a thief is shamed when caught so am I. I had turned my back on the Lord and now in my troubles, I bid God to arise and save me. But where are those things in which I trusted and lusted after? Where are they now? They cannot save me thus it was folly to have in the beginning departed from the ways of the Lord.
But I have sinned. Thus Lord, in my repentance grant me your merciful glance. According to the glory of your name and the death and resurrection of your Son, welcome me back home. I know this you will do for it was your Spirit sealed in me that has brought me to my knees.