I must now even more than ever set my soul upon Christ if I am going to be of any good use to the company around me. That peace must first be established in my heart and soul, it must fill my mind and then my whole being if I am to maintain any legitimate contact or discussions with any souls. I am quick to forsake others if I am discontent internally - I seek not to stare your eyes nor care about your ways. But this is not edifying to my neighbours and I ought to love them, yea, each one as Christ loved His church. So it is of first importance for me to each day with a more lively earnestness seek and beg for his peace to feed my soul. It must be enough for me to last the day lest I should sink in utter despair and dismay about reasons why I belong not in this passing shadow. I am much fond of the sunshine only if I have sunshine within me, otherwise I am quick to sit within my own darkness and contemplate on the abounding wickedness of my own soul. I wish I was more a holy creature, already perfected, yea, already like Christ; perfectly sanctified and righteous without blemish or defect. But I am not, I have many spots upon my skin which displays the ugliness of my character. Those with discerning eyes see it immediately and I see it with greater clarity than all. It is critical for me therefore to meditate a while upon that doctrine of imputed righteousness lest I be driven to insanity and will to tear and rip my garment because of my reoccurring sins. I am but a man, a dying man who is aloof about his future plans and wishes, if there ever was a wand, to wave it and have it laid out before my very eyes. It is a little comfort to my soul that I have not a real friend but you, my soul, as a dear companion - a reasonable guide and poor comforter for many of my miseries. But I have the Spirit who is a better comfort and guides in a better path. I must each day fight the morning lusts of laziness and settle my soul in the identity which my heavenly Father has made for me - I must prepare with such carefulness lest I be lost for the day to the darkness of my own soul. Oh I must have the inward sunshine caused by beholding the beauty of my Lord.